Home Brewing and the Zombie Apocalypse: A Survival Guide

 In the last post, we briefly discussed why purchasing a normal home brew kit makes much more sense than the maligned alternative of Mr. Beer.  Hopefully, you took my advice and are now a proud owner of some authentic home brew gear. If not, perhaps this post might prod you along in making that purchase.

As I'm confident you all know by now, a zombie apocalypse is fast approaching. This new world order will put every living soul's survival skills to the most extreme test.  Fortunately for us, many of the components found in real home brew kits will prove to be necessities for surviving in this cruel world.  As a home brewer born and raised in Georgia, the home of The Walking Dead, who briefly interned at the CDC, I feel uniquely qualified to author this guide on how to utilize home brew equipment and accessories to thrive in the perilous environment of the impending zombie apocalypse.

When a zombie meets a home brewer

The featured equipment is owned by most if not all home brewers.  When the mysterious virus spreads, we need simply to board up the doors and windows, go to the garage or basement, and collect the following components from our home brew stash:

Tubing
Brewer's Use: Siphoning beer to/from pots and carboys and bottling
Zombie Apocalypse (ZA) Use: Siphoning off gasoline

Plastic tubing is used at just about every stage in home brewing to transport our beer from one receptacle to another.  In the ZA, we will use our brewing tubes to siphon off gasoline from the abundant supply of wrecked cars piled up everywhere.  In addition to fueling our cars, we will also combine this gasoline with another brewing necessity to make arguably the most effective primitive zombie weapon: the Molotov cocktail.

Bottles
Brewer's Use: Hold fermented beer
ZA Use: Molotovs, storage

The standard 5 gallon batch of beer translates to a little over two cases of 12oz bottles.  As long as we haven't completely transitioned to kegging, each batch will require us to have about 50 bottles on hand.  Most brewers have much more than that laying around.  Using our tubing, it's recommended to fill at least 30 of these bottles with our siphoned gasoline for Molotovs.  Other than a bulldozer or more sophisticated explosives, the best way to take out a slowly approaching herd of zombies is of course the Molotov.  Why the good folks on The Walking Dead never produced an arsenal of Molotovs while holed up in the barn is beyond me.  Needless to say, We will also utilize our bottles as beer and water vessels for easy transport.

Zombies hate Molotovs

Propane Burner and GasTank
Brewer's Use: Boiling Wort and heating water for mashing and sparging
ZA Use: Cooking, boiling water, explosives

Once we upgrade from partial-mash to all-grain brewing, we will need a large 10 gallon pot.  If you have an electric stove or even a standard gas stove, heating that much volume to a boil would take a hot minute (pun intended).  A propane burner gets the job done much quicker.  It also allows us to brew outside so possible boil overs or other messes don't soil our nice floors.  In the absence of electricity, our propane burners will prove to be an integral part of our survival.  As long as we stocked up on full propane tanks, we can cook, brew beer, and sterilize water for months.  We could of course gather wood to make a fire, but we all know what happens when you wander too far in the ZA (RIP Dale and Sophia).  In addition to cooking, the propane tank/Molotov combo is a great way to wipe out a massive herd.  Just roll a tank to an approaching group of zombies and follow up with one of our trusty Molotovs.

Cleaner and Sanitizer
Brewer's Use: Cleaning and sanitizing anything that comes into contact with yeast after our boil
ZA Use: Cleaning and sanitizing zombie bits

Star San is a great dual-purpose zombie/beer sanitizer

Getting zombie brains all over your newly found katana, morning star, or hatchet is just a bummer.  Luckily, we already own cleaning and sanitizing solutions home brewers use to make sure our yeast isn't contaminated by harmful microorganisms.  Just fill a bucket (which we also have in our home brew stash) with a water/sanitizer solution, and let your weapons soak for a while.  Because we won't know exactly how the virus spreads, it's good to cover our bases.

The Beer
Brewer's Use: Drinking
ZA Use: Sustenance and bartering

Since we already have everything required to brew, let's make some beer in between zombie herds. Due to the new nomadic nature of our existence, we probably won't have much free brewing time. We might want to consider brewing partial-mash batches, which takes far less time than all-grain.  In all-grain, we produce our own wort (the product of mashing) from our fresh grains, whereas in partial-mash, we use prepackaged malt extracts in place of mashing.  Using malt extract sheds about 2.5 hours from the brewing process, because we skip the mashing and sparging processes.  Since we won't have the means of controlling our external temperatures, we will have to exclusively brew ales.  Ale yeast is more forgiving and, depending on our desired style, it ferments between 65-78 degrees, which is a workable range in a Southern zombie apocalypse.

Our zombie ales will serve two primary functions.  The obvious one is of course sustenance.  In a previous post (Light Beer and Beer Calories), we went over the caloric content range of beers.  A 12oz spans from about 120-400 calories depending on the alcohol content.  While accompanying baked beans and squirrels, our ales will provide a good bit of zombie-fighting calories and nutrients.  Zombies tested, brewers approved.

 The home brews will also serve an economic purpose.  Since monetary currency will be worthless, our new economy will revolve around the barter system.  If some shells bought the whole island of Manhattan, think about how much a couple of cases of beer could get you in the apocalypse.

The Dutch bartered for Manhattan with $23 worth of beads and shells.  Chump change compared to what two cases of beer could have afforded.

 Any group that counts you as a member will be an economic powerhouse as long as the precious commodity is well guarded. The three most valuable members in any zombie apocalypse group are a doctor, mechanic, and of course, a brewer.

 Water treatment chemicals and pH tester
 Brewer's Use: Modifying the pH and hardness of our mash and sparging water
ZA Use: Measuring pH of possible water sources and treating it as needed

 Depending on your location, the water you use may need some treating to reach proper brewing pH and salinity levels.  Mash Stabilizer, gypsum, lactic acid, and calcium chloride are all brewing tools available to alter pH levels of the mashing and sparging water.  In the ZA, securing safe drinking and brewing water will be a necessity for survival.  With our pH kits, we will be able to test and treat (along with our pots and gas burner) potential sources of water and lower/raise its pH level as needed. 

Miscellaneous
In addition to all of the equipment and products listed above, some other dual purpose items you can be creative with in our brewing kit include thermometers, funnels, bottle cappers, 6 gallon jugs, large spoons, stirring paddles, strainers, brushes, carbon-dioxide and nitrogen tanks, and copper tubing (wort chillers). 

 Now that you know how home brewing Today will save your life in the inevitable event of a zombie apocalypse in the future, just make sure you bring some extra pint glasses along for the ride.  Wouldn't want to break your only one and end up like this guy:

"That's not fair at all. There was time now. There was all the time and beer I needed...! That's not fair!"