As we all know from our K-12 schooling, all of the world's 6.3 billion citizens' personalities can easily be sorted in four fun color personality codes: Blue, Gold, Orange, and Green.
If you don't recall this classification in between pointing to the "where-were-you-touched-doll" in your counselor's office, I'll be glad to recap them and their corresponding Ninja Turtles for you:
Blue- "Emo Kid"
No one wants to end up being an aptly named Blue. Scientifically speaking, Blues are doomed to live a life of crying, Dashboard Confessional, sweaters, multiple cats, and sharing hyperbolically depressing poems at the local coffee shop's open mic night, where fellow Blues can commiserate together about living a life just described.
Fine in small doses.
Applicable Ninja Turtle: Raphael
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| "I don't want, my life" |
Somewhat of the antithesis of Blues, Golds will only shed a tear if their net-worths drop below seven figures or if the feds bust their latest pyramid scheme. To be fair, Golds are supposed to be good leaders and entrepreneurs, and you could probably even tolerate spending time with them unlike their Blue counterparts.
Pretentious but effective.
Applicable Ninja Turtle: Leonardo
Orange- "Chris Farley"
Everyone wanted to score high in the Orange color, because it basically meant you would live a short life of hardcore partying and jumping out of planes, both figuratively and literally. Everyone loves hanging out with an Orange until you have to turn them face down at 4:37am so they don't choke on their own multiple Jager bombs induced vomit. Think cast of Jersey Shore.
Party on the outside, emptiness on the inside.Applicable Ninja Turtle: Obviously Michelangelo.
Green- "Spock/Sheldon"
If you scored in the Green, it automatically meant you were smarter than everyone else, but, depending on how Green you were, probably didn't have many social interactions outside of playing D&D at your local comic book store. Unlike Blues who follow their annoying bleeding hearts, Greens live a much more logical life filled with order and a general misunderstanding of social norms. The best way to anger and confuse a Green is to offer a situation that "does not compute."
Calculated creature of habit. Applicable Ninja Turtle: Donatello
Now that we've 100% accurately described each color and its corresponding personality characteristics, let's analyze which beers work for each color.
Blue- Fine in small doses
Since no one wants to spend too much time with a whiny Blue and they can attempt offing themselves at any moment, good Blue beers are those that are largely unsessionable that you can't really drink much of. Also, due to the fact that Blues are most likely clad in sweaters/hoodies, a nice dark, cold-weather beer would complement well. Even if tears fall in these beers, the alcohol and dark malts will overpower the salt.
Blue beers: Imperial stouts, imperial porters, vanilla porters, Southern Tier Creme Brulee Stout, barleywine
Gold- Pretentious but effective
Even though Golds can be pretentious pricks, you got to give it to them for getting the job done. In transferring this trait to beer, we must think of a hoity-toity beer that knows it's hot stuff because it truly is. Plus, since you're a Gold and have made shrewd but successful career decisions, you can afford the higher price tag.
Gold beers: Belgian Quads, Belgian Tripels, Belgian Christmas Ales, Mikkeller's vast line of expensive beers, fancy limited releases
Orange- Party on the outside, emptiness on the inside
Oranges like to party. They don't necessarily need anything fancy or good, they just need to get drunk and get drunk fast so they can avoid the inevitable introspection that occurs when their BAC drops below .08. Think of Oranges as little BAC "Speed" buses. For Oranges, we need cheap, widely available beers that you can drink plenty of. The worst thing for an Orange would be to run out of beer and stop the "bus."
Orange beers: Corona, Bud Light, High Life, PBR, Bud Ice, Heineken, 40s of malt liquor
Green- Calculated creature of habit
Greens live their lives according to the laws of science and logic. Innovation, change, and frivolity often lead to Vulcan language obscenities and angrily flipped over D&D boards. Thus, the matching beer styles must rely on centuries of scientific experimentation and engineering that shun modern day beer innovations and silly non-traditional ingredients. That's right, I'm talking German Reinheitsgebot beers.
Green beers: German pilseners, hefeweizen, bocks, Oktoberfests, Kolsches, dunkels, dopplebocks, etc.
I hope we all learned something about ourselves and our beer personalities today. Thanks for reading.
