Now that it's getting close to the holidays, a lot of you will have a great opportunity to have someone else buy you your first home brewing kit, especially if you've been relatively good this year (set the bar low for best results). Perhaps you've even already expressed your interest in home brewing to a close friend or loved one. That's good, but you still have some work to do. Almost without fail, your benefactor will type in "man gifts" into Google, and somewhere on that list of results, they will see Mr. Beer. Undoubtedly, they will think:
"$50 for everything he'll need to brew? Why, that's amazing! I'm totes a savvy shopper lol. Now that my holiday shopping is done, I can watch quality programming on the CW Network for the remainder of the day!"
If you happen to receive a Mr. Beer through such logic this holiday season, kindly thank the gift-giver and calmly proceed to hurl the kit as hard as you can against the wall while screaming your favorite battle cry (Leeeeroy Jenkins!, By the power of Grey Skull. . .I have the powerrrr!, and the Xena squeal are all recommended for the situation at hand).
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| It's highly appropriate to summon the power of Grey Skull upon smashing bad gifts |
"I'm sorry for what I just did, but it had to be done, because there can be only one. Although I am most grateful for your intentions, you just spent $50 on a plastic piece of junk that completely bastardizes the brewing process. Purchasing this for me was the equivalent of buying an Easy Bake Oven for an Iron Chef."
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| Mr. Beer: Home Brewer:: Easy Bake Oven: Iron Chef (Great Dishonor) |
"If I were to pick up the pieces and glue it back together (but I won't), brewing with this junk would consist of pouring an old can of pre-hopped malt into a pot and heating it. Since this malt, which could have been sitting in this can for years, has already been pre-hopped, I will never know what it's like to smell and use real hops. Nor will I ever get the chance to take in the aroma of freshly ground grains, because I will never come across them using this kit."
"I will also never know what it's like to actually brew, because all I will have done is dump a can into a pot and heat it. When I tell people I'm a home brewer, each time I will have to make the motions of drawing an air-asterisk with my finger. Then people will ask what I'm doing with my finger, and I shall feel shame and regret for using Mr. Beer and calling myself a home brewer. I will most certainly lose friends over this ignominy."
"On top of the sensory shortcomings of Mr. Beer, the instant-like kit only yields 2 gallons. Had you done just slightly more research than Googling "gifts for guys" you would have come across real home brew kits for $15-30 dollars more than what you paid for this plastic monstrosity. With a starter kit from Midwest Brewing, Northern Brewer, or even Amazon, I would have been able to conduct partial-mash brewing while using real hops and crushed grains. The starter set at Midwest even frequently goes on sale for 10% off, making it a couple of dollars more than Mr. Beer. These kits would also yield 5 gallons, which is of course, 2.5x the yield of Mr. Beer. Since the ingredient kits for this equipment don't simply consist of a can that may or may not have been on the shelf for decades, my beer would have also tasted much better. Fresh ingredients would have surely produced better beer. With real brewing equipment, I would have also been able to declare I'm a home brewer without clinching my teeth and doing the whole asterisk thing."
"In conclusion, I sincerely do thank you for the thought. Take solace in knowing very little has changed between you and me, and I think in time, I will be able to fully forgive and forget that this happened. Now that you know real starter kits are only a pittance more money than Mr. Beer, I am confident you will make more informed decisions in the future. I'm glad we had this talk."
You're welcome.
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