My Beer Pet Peeves

In this curmudgeonly contrived post, I'll detail some of the things in the beer world that impel me to go on  Andy Rooney-esque rants much to the chagrin of my friends, who have all heard these diatribes more times than they would have liked (and will continue to hear until breweries, bars, and restaurants go to time out and think about what they've done).  So all my little Panglossian sheep, sit back, and succumb to the negativity as you peruse my short-list of craft beer pet peeves (the phrase "pet peeve" itself actually peeves me).  In the end, I promise to re-cheer you up with a silly corgi photo.

Frozen pint glasses for every beer
Culprits: Bars and restaurants with no beer serving knowledge

I live in the deep, dirty South where a cold drink is welcomed nine months out of the year.  However, the only beers that are remotely acceptable to be served in an ice cold pint glass are cheap pilseners (which are lagers) a la Bud Light and its ilk.  Beers are like wines in that different varieties should be served at different temperatures.  Ales, particularly complex darker ones like a Belgian Quad, should be served much warmer than lagers.  Just like with red wines, the drinker will only experience the many flavor and aromatic nuances of the beer at warmer temperatures.  By serving a Guinness in a frozen pint glass (this has happened to me before), you're basically masking the entire flavor and aroma profile of the beer.  You can particularly ruin the pleasant hop scents so characteristic of a nice pale or IPA, both originally British styles, by serving it too cold.  If you take a trip to the UK, expect to be served great ales close to room temperature, just as they've been doing for centuries.  If, however, you are ever forced to drink swill like Coors Lite, icing the beer down to just above freezing will do well to hide all of the beer's many flaws.  Coors bottles will even take the guessing out of it by turning blue just in case you lack certain sensory nerves and can't detect if it's cold on your own.  This brings me to my next gripe: useless beer marketing gimmicks.

Useless Beer Marketing Gimmicks
Culprits: Big American breweries who are becoming increasingly desperate

We've all seen the commercials.  Let's face it, when your beer can't speak for itself in a world turning craft, you have to pull out all the stops to speak (gibberish) for it.  Thank God the esteemed scientists at Coors developed advanced bottle technology that indicates when the beer is cold.  Otherwise, I may have had the inconvenient chore of feeling the bottle like some sort of backwoods Luddite. And who could live without the Miller Lite spiral bottle, which briefly tumbles your terrible beer before its disappointing consumption?  Impressed by Miller Lite's "triple-hopped" claim?  Didn't think so, as it just means the beer gets three hop additions during the boil time, which just about every beer in the world gets.  I could add one hop pellet three times and technically call it "triple hopped."  As you can guess, it's the type and quantity of hops that matters, and I would wager each Miller Lite addition is miniscule in proportion to the total wort volume.  To summarize this point, only bad beers feel the necessity to use meaningless marketing ploys, because they produce terrible-tasting, low-quality products.  You will never see a reputable brewery such as Augustiner Keller or Terrapin stoop to such lows, because they focus entirely on producing great beer over bells-and-whistles meant to distract complacent consumers.

Second-Hand Hopping
Culprits: Bars and restaurants with IBU agendas

Hopheads are a rather fervent bunch and, as their name implies, naturally gravitate to the highest IBU beers on a bar or restaurant's menu.  There's nothing inherently wrong about beer geeks who exclusively drink pales, IPAs, and DIPAs.  However, much like smoking, when the addiction begins to affect those around you (second-hand hopping), then we have a problem.  There's nothing more frustrating to those of us less hops-inclined folks than taking a glance at the draft list and seeing 15 out of the 20 offerings are IPAs or DIPAs.  Numerous times, I've experienced the consequences of hop-centric owners who saturate their menu with beers that suit their personal bitter tastes at the expense of the entire range of brews, which would undoubtedly appeal to a larger audience.  There's one bar in Decatur in particular that I avoid for this very reason.  Having your own tastes is a beautiful thing, but please realize not all of your customers share your obsession with one style of beer.

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I could continue and might do so in a future Debbie-downer post, but for now, let it be known that I have satisfactorily aired my beer grievances.  Now as promised, here's a silly corgi: